It has really been weighing on my mind how withdrawn I have become. I guess it happened very slowly over many years, but if the me from ten years ago knew I would change this much I might have stopped it and not let it creep in and take over. It probably started when my health issues started. At first I thought it was temporary and that I’d be back to normal once the doctors figured stuff out. Over the years, I’ve reached out to friends and family less and less, probably because the only thing going on usually had to do with my health (and I didn’t want to burden anyone) or my kids.
Well, I realized that since I’ve had an empty nest (about three years now), I really rarely leave the house except when they are visiting. I live in a cool city but I never go anywhere or do anything mostly because I don’t feel up to it.
The telephone is another area where things have gotten really bad. I just don’t use the damn thing, at least not to reach out and call people. It’s nothing personal against anyone, but it has come to my attention that many of my friends and family members DO take it personally…like I don’t care or don’t want to talk to them. The best I do is text and Facebook. There really isn’t an excuse for it. The only thing I can give as explanation is that telephone calls make me tired. I have to stay upbeat and alert, positive and engaged, and I have a hard time with that nowadays.
I could say that I’m lost in a deep depression and don’t want to bring anyone down with me. That’s close, but not entirely it. I’m just tired. Tired of what my life has become…of who I have become. I used to be friendly and active, now I’m a pathetic shell of that person and why would I want to burden anyone with that? I’d rather have them mad at me for not calling then having to show just how little of the old me is left. And let me tell you, there’s not much.
I don’t write this to be depressing in the slightest, I just thought I’d address it and put it out there and maybe some of my family or friends who read this might understand what’s going on inside my head a little better. I do feel bad about how withdrawn I have become. My only socialization most days is my dear Bowen, and I know some days it’s hard for him to deal with me. He must really love me because holy crap am I boring!
So there it is, a piece of my true feelings. Sorry it didn’t come via a phone call but at this time, it’s all I can do.